The No.1 Sex Expert: How To Have Great Sex EVERY Time!

 

The No.1 Sex Expert: How To Have Great Sex EVERY Time! 

 

you've written 17 books on the topic of  sex so my first question how do we have  the best sex of Our Lives that's the  question that everybody wants to know  the first thing is Tracy Cox the world's  most celebrated sex expert she's got the  answers to the questions she's always  wanted to know and has a secret to a  great sex ride there is a decline of sex  isn't there yes there's a sex recession  if you haven't had sex for a year with  your partner it is very unlikely you're  gonna have sex again oh really are you  hopeful that we can turn that around yes  absolutely the key thing is women's fake  they're orgasm we have known that women  don't orgasm through penetrative sex  since karma sutra and yet most men will  go yeah yeah I've heard about that women  aren't having very many orgasms during  partner sex they're always fake the way  to solve the whole orgasm thing is how  do we predict if someone's going to  cheat on us number one being close  doesn't actually protect you against  infidelity he'll become so close to your  partner they're your best friend you  just don't see them as a sexual partner  anymore if you understand how sex works  and if you can make sex good with your  partner Affairs can be so preventable in  so many different ways women get bored  way quicker than men men don't get poor  because they get the orgasm as a reward  you need to give women interesting  erotic sex and then they'll be  interested otherwise they're not going  to be interested I've noticed a trend  that amongst my friendship group a  startling amount of them are in sexless  relationships yep what are some of the  most important Solutions if you want to  have great sex you need  that's what you have to do if you want a  good sex life  nominal advice  I have some breaking news  and no this is an emergency I've spent  the last two years writing a book and  I've written 33 laws for business  marketing and life that are derived from  all of these conversations I've had here  I traveled the world to write this book  I interviewed some of the most  incredible people I did  six months of extensive research on  scientific studies and principles to  cooperate everything that I wrote into  these 33 laws and ladies and gentlemen  that book called The Diary of a CEO the  33 laws for business marketing and life  is now available for pre-order  and there are five thousand only five  thousand signed copies  and it's first come first serve the link  is in the bio right now so if you want  that book honestly it's the best book  I've ever written it's the book I always  should have written it's the book I also  wish someone had written for me when I  was starting out in my career  I'm really proud of it I'm really really  proud of it really really proud of it  and I can't wait for all of you to get  to read it it's out in August I couldn't  be more excited about this as you can  probably tell I don't know what to say  to say other than the words I've said to  emphasize my excitement because I think  it's important and I think it's really  valuable  um Link in the description 

 

 

Tracy: The Individual in the world that was best on the subject matter of sex.

 

Tracy I reached out to my team and I  told my team that I wanted to have a  conversation with the individual in the  world that was  best and most educated and most engaging  on the subject matter of sex because  I've noticed a bunch of things in my  personal life in the lives of my friends  and those around me  um and I feel like people aren't having  the right types of conversation about  sex I feel like we're avoiding it as a  society and I feel like sex is so  intrinsically linked to Performance and  well-being and business and all the  things I usually talk about so they  found you and that's why you're here so  my first question is  who are you and what do you do what is  your mission  right I'm not a trained sex therapist  which is what everybody thinks I am I'm  a sex educator  um which is which I think means that  what I do is I look at all the research  and look at all the the sort of what's  going on in the sex world in sort of an  academic sense and then I work out okay  so that's all well and good but what  does this mean for you and I well not  necessarily you and I together but  people in the bedroom so I bring it down  to a sort of level that is more  practical that all my books are very  much like right so here's what we've now  know about sex here's how this is going  to help you in bed so I think my job is  to sort of get the research and make it  into something that you know the average  person can understand and make it work  for them so I sort of yeah I'm a I'm a  sex educator is a better way to describe  me.

 

 

Why do people have sexless relationships?

 

you know part of the reason I wanted  to speak to you as I said at the start  of this conversation is because I've  noticed a trend I've started to like  smell it amongst my friendship group  where a startling amount of them are in  sexless relationships yep and they're  not they're not you know your book here  says great sex starts at 50. my friends  are the friends I'm talking about are in  their 30s yes and I I  and there's lots of things here there's  lots of thoughts and I want to figure  out which ones are true so  um I'm going to say a bunch of things  which are inherently naive and I know  they are so the first one is like why  aren't they having sex and more often  and is that a is that a problem are  there Partners to blame because they  seem to want to have sex and their  Partners don't  um is it wrong are those relationships  therefore broken and should they break  up with their partners because they're  not having that much sex  um so we'll go into all of that but  let's start with this this the point you  raised about how lust and love  are not necessarily great bedfellows  um how does one if they're in that  situation where they really love their  partner they're really really close to  their partner  um but they're feeling like the intimacy  has ran out the back door because of you  know that sexual intimacy is around at  the back door how do we create that  balance you talk about something called  otherness which I thought was really  compelling yeah  such a such a big question that is  because that's the question everybody  wants to know how do you keep desire  going long term  um the otherness thing is all about  the close couples kind of become like  Tweedle dumb and Tweedledee they don't  do anything separately but you you need  to have separateness from your partner  and this is why during covert no one had  sex at all in the beginning it was like  fantastic we can have sex at 11 o'clock  in the morning and then it was like oh  we can have sex anytime we want how  unappealing is that you know the more  available something is the less we want  it but the you need to separate from  your partner you need to be you know  have your own identity and your identity  with your partner and that's the  otherness that I talk about is seeing  your partner in the real world and  seeing them when you're not with them  like so many couples only ever see each  other at home in their house they never  see each other out and if you go out I  remember once variated on into the  relationship with my husband miles he  was walking through a restaurant and I'd  arrived first and he hadn't seen me and  I was he was walking through the  restaurant and I saw a couple of women  look over at him and I was like [ÔøΩ__ÔøΩ] you  know he's really attractive well I knew  that but he's you know and if I don't  you know he's he's out there all the  time you know like people are going to  be attracted to him so it sort of makes  you lift your game a bit so you need  that or if you see your partner at home  and you know hi hi you only ever see  them come through the front door they  become too safe and I think when people  say oh my partner would never cheat on  me I think how rude is that to think  that your partner's never going to treat  on you no matter what you do to them no  matter how horrible you are that's  terrible that's like saying your partner  you know is just a doormat that you can  do whatever I like to think that you  know my partner's not going to cheat on  me but you know that makes me think that  if I pledge monogamy I pledge that I'm  going to sexually satisfy my partner I  think you have an obligation to do that  and I'm going to keep myself looking  good because love is you know kind but  it's not blind and I'm going to do all  sorts of things I think it's a real  insult if somebody if Miles said to me I  know you'd never cheated on me I'd be  like  I don't take that as a compliment would  you  um I think it's important to know that  your partner will go and leave you if  you drop the ball in a variety of  different ways and I think that one of  the interesting points you raised there  is about like physical appearance or  keeping yourself well or keeping  yourself attractive do you think can I  fast a few people this over time do you  think we have an

 

 

Do we Have to Stay in Shape for our Partners?

 

obligation to stay  In-Shape attractive whatever it might be  for our partners yes absolutely I don't  mean like you have to have facelifts or  you know anything like that but you  yourself as attractive as you can each  of you and I think you know that's not  just a physical thing I have to say it's  a it can be an intellectual thing yes  exactly it's an intellectual thing as  well because desire goes and especially  you know the you know grumpy old man  grumpy old woman thing when people age I  think that they become very set in their  ways and you know become quite you know  you don't want to be the bitter and  twisted person you could look like you  know a Greek god and if you're bitter  and twisted Japan is still not going to  want to sleep with you so yes I do think  we owe it to each other to say you know  to look as good as you can and to be as  positive as you can there is nothing  less sexy than being with somebody who's  miserable all the time who's a negative  person  it's so interesting that some of the  most attractive things I find in my  partner are when I look over and see her  doing her work and her things so  actually it's funny she doesn't actually  know this but but last night I came home  from work very very late because I was I  was out did some talks at them and I  came home and I got in through the door  and I my partner was sat at the kitchen  table it was about 11 p. m at night  designing her new studio on her laptop  with her headphones on  and I just found that really I took a  photo  and it's on my phone and I took a photo  because I'm like I'm proud of her in one  sense but it was really lovely that when  I walked through the door  it wasn't about me she was busy doing  her own doing her own stuff yeah and I  kind of like walked and I could almost  see how some people might find that  threatening I like hey babe give her a  kiss like on the she kind of like kisses  me back but then goes back to the laptop  I'm like  this is nice and I went I went over and  I sat on the sofa on my own and just  watched Manchester United but there was  something really attractive about it  yeah of course there is I mean watching  somebody at work doing what they love is  is the moment when yeah that you're like  wow this person's amazing I mean I would  hate to be a person who you know the  partners at home waiting for you and  where are you and it's all about so what  have you done nothing much how was your  day yeah that's not it's not healthy for  a relationship that puts it too much on  one person if you want to have great sex  you need to have an interesting life you  need to be doing interesting things  you're not going to be having great sex  if you're boring and you do the same  thing every single day because you just  end up doing the same boring sex you  need stimulation all the time and that  routineness is the the enemy of killer  yeah the killer for women the killer for  women because women are the ones that  find monogamy boring not men if you say  to men right you could have same sex  pretty much do the same thing every  single time  three times a week for the rest of your  life with this person most men ago all  right sounds right to me if you said  that to a woman she would go you are  kidding me but this is what's happening  women get bored way quicker than men and  they do so because our orgasm is far  more complicated than yours I mean  intercourse is usually the main event  for most couples sex intercourse is like  the the big bit that everyone aims for  right and that's great for men because  intercourse very successfully stimulates  the penis you know the penis wants to  rub in and out of something the vagina  does a great job fabulous for women the  clitoris is outside the vagina that some  of it is inside and you know because the  clitoris isn't that little tip by the  way it looks like a wishbone imagine a  wishbone and the tip of the clitoris is  at the top and then it goes down the  size of the legs right that's the  clitoris amazing 10 10 centimeters long  so because the clitoris is in on the  outside of the vagina intercourse  doesn't cut it for most women only 80 20  of women can climax through penetrative  sex twenty percent right that means  eighty percent of women are not having  their orgasms through intercourse so if  you're going to serve up the same  routine sex and most couples have sex  the same way over and over again every  time they have sex and that's your lot  as a female you're having sex which  doesn't give you an orgasm you're having  sex which doesn't isn't exciting isn't  erotic isn't you know in any way really  interesting women get bored men don't  get bored because they get the orgasm as  a reward women get bored because the sex  is just not the right sex for them so  the women's desire for sex goes down so  much faster than men's does so you need  to give women interesting erotic sex and  then they'll be interested but otherwise  they're not going to be interested.

 

How Do we Talk About Sex?

 

There are eighty percent of women  listening now that can relate yes  so  and it's funny because I was speaking to  a friend of mine I told them that I was  gonna have this conversation with you  and I said what would you like me to to  say and they this was the question they  had and it was linked to what you just  said they said I'm in a relationship  where my partner is having  um the same sex over and over again he's  coming very quickly during sex and I  don't know how to broach the  conversation with him about like this  isn't working for me  um without like embarrassing him or  whatever it might be what advice would  you give to that person gosh talking  about sex is is just the thing  I mean do you talk about sex with your  girlfriend how long have you been  together four years now oh well you're  just very open with things yeah well  done that's really good because most  people talk a lot about sex in the  beginning when it's all going well like  aren't we amazing it wasn't that great  lots of stuff the minute there's  problems they tail off and every sex  problem can be solved if you talk about  it if you don't talk about sex the  tiniest sex problem can ruin your whole  sex life and the reason people don't  talk about sex is that they worry  exactly whereas you just said that  they're going to hurt their partner that  they're going to upset them well you'd  just be really tactful about it and I  always talk about the the compliment  sandwich so say you want to say so she  wants him to be what give her more  foreplay something like that yeah just  he's he's cut he's reaching orgasm too  quickly and then she's obviously not  enjoying it because he's over and she's  still not you know her orgasm no well  the mantra for that is she comes first  always the way to solve the whole orgasm  thing in several ways one of the ways is  to have you know give her her orgasms  through oral sex fingers uh vibrator and  then you go on to intercourse which is  when he gets his orgasm so that's a very  I mean a lot of um couples do a lot of  straight couples do you'll notice  actually when I talk about sex I talk  about straight couples the reason why is  that gay couples have a lot better time  of it because they've got the same  issues going on so it sort of helps if  you go in lots of ways  um but I would say don't worry so much  about like if you say to if she said to  her partner look I really love our sex I  love our sex I particularly like it when  you do eggs but you know when you used  to do y give me more foreplay give me  oral sex I really really love that can  we do more of that so you're not saying  actually you you like not lasting long  enough and not lasting long enough is  not going to be an issue with most women  because they don't have their orgasms  through intercourse anyway so I think  that men need to calm down about that  they feel like they have to go on  forever and ever and ever and it's like  well she's not going to orgasm that way  anyway she's going to feel like actually  has to and then you get the faking it  and all that sort of stuff comes into it  but talking about sex is such a huge  issue for people and the funny thing  about talking about sex is that once  you've done it once it's it's the first  conversation especially you know I deal  with couples who haven't talked about  sex for 30 years and that first  conversation is excruciating you know  you're also like oh my God this is awful  I just want the you know Earth to move  like open and get rid of me but once you  move past that that initial awkwardness  which seriously lasts like three minutes  then all of a sudden it this relief the  amount of couples who say oh my God like  I can say actually I don't really like  it when you do that can you do this and  like you know does it worry you that you  know my erection isn't as hard as it was  when I was young and and you get  reassurance and then they're falling  over themselves you will never ever ever  regret trying to talk about sex with  your partner it is the number one thing  you can do for your relationship so she  should think about what she wants  be very specific men particularly like  they respond best to very specific  instructions so instead of saying look  this sex isn't working for me because  you know you you're climaxing too fast  and then all of a sudden it's over and  I'm just left high and dry if you say  this is my idea of the perfect sex  session can you just like let's just we  take turns you know we each have we  design our own perfect sex session you  know I could you start with kissing you  could move on to kissing my neck I  really like it if you play with my  breasts and then I love oral sex but  could you do it for a bit longer very  specific  and people are like well that's like  telling you know saying you like can you  say you love me and then they say I love  you back but no giving instruction in  sex is really most people are really  grateful for it and it might feel a bit  awkward the session after that where  he's thinking oh my God I'm just doing  exactly what she says isn't this  embarrassing and then all of a sudden  you forget about it and then the next  session and the next session is like  flowing and great okay so a couple of  counter points here just from personal  experience one of the things I've always  been a bit conscious of or no one of the  things that I think has irked me a  little bit is  and this goes back to what you said  about lust this kind of spontaneity and  the the uh the riskiness of it is I  don't want rules you know like I don't  want rules I don't want to be I don't  want to be in instructed during sex or  or even worse I don't like that do it  like this oh no it kind of kills the  like I think sometimes you can become a  little bit like  yeah that can then that can have an  impact on one's  erectional erection and their their like  mindset for I think sometimes for guys  so much of sex is Flowing feeling like  you can flow and sometimes if you get  like if you've got critical feedback  during sex yes like a  pressure stress which then the erection  might not you know hold out  well first of all it's natural for an  erection to come and go during any sex  session so that's not really important  but maybe yeah criticism isn't great  like don't do it like that move over  here or in a very barking you know  sergeant major you know can you move to  the left that's not so great but if you  if you do it I mean often men do it's do  don't hit the spot and they are doing it  wrong and so do you want women to just  lie back and go [ÔøΩ__ÔøΩ] it's not even  remotely close to where he should be but  I'm gonna pretend because that's what  and this is why women don't give men  instruction in bed is because they know  that a lot of men don't like it a lot of  men say you know it is you know it does  disrupt the proceedings but then it's  very quickly back on track if you do it  you know if you go and do what exactly  she wants personally I think sexual  instruction you can say or just over to  the left a bit or that feels great there  and you know whenever you can give  positive feedback rather than negative  is great so giving I'm sure you wouldn't  mind if she says no that's perfect stay  there stay there do it for longer yeah  exactly the key thing is the positive  framing yeah yeah that's the key thing  the key thing is absolutely that and  then if if maybe you still haven't  haven't hit the spot then afterwards you  say actually  um you know that didn't quite work can I  just tell you where or what works for me  and then demonstrate on your hand or  something that's always a really good  way to do it but yeah the key is in the  positive no one's going to respond to  sex where somebody's going oh that's not  right why are you doing that for that's  terrible yeah you know don't go there if  that doesn't feel anything you know no  that's terrible that's awful and those  instructional sessions should happen  when before sex during sex after sex  well depends on the couple a little bit  I mean you can use body language during  sex I don't know about before sex I  think maybe sometimes after sex when  you're getting on really well and you  know having a few drinks maybe if you're  a drinker and relax and just talking  generally that's sort of the time to say  by the way you know that I always think  that's a good time if you want to try  something new or to say by the way God  my friend was talking about doing X you  know what do you think about that I  always think things like conversations  about sex that are positive and exciting  and you know talking about trying new  things should happen outside the bedroom  really  um but otherwise yeah you do have to  have those instructional sessions I'm  afraid.

 

 

 

 

 

what if you want to do something  and your partner doesn't want to do it? 

 

 

what if you want to do something  and your partner doesn't want to do it  generally a request for something new a  request for anything is just a request  for variety so say your partner says I  want to try having sex outside and you  really don't want to have sex outside  the correct answer to that is look  that's really not my thing but you know  why don't we try X most people if they  want to try something new if you give  them you know I'm not open to that but I  am open to something else then they'll  be fine about it but I mean where you  get into problems with somebody wanting  to try something other other partner not  wanting to try is if it's something a  bit fetish yeah and that's when you get  did you ever watch um billions you know  where they she had the fetches you know  have been whipped and wanting to be the  submissive and and he just let her go  off and be satisfied by a sex worker  that's one option by the way if your  partner as a fetish is to just go Okay I  accept that you've got this fetish and  it's not for me so if you if it's really  so much part of your makeup that you  can't live without it then go off with a  sex worker and satisfy that's the  extreme version but most of the time I  think oh you can meet halfway like say  um say your partner say you want to have  a threesome with two women well then the  meeting halfway might be that you have  phone sex with a sex worker maybe you  role play it maybe you go to a lap  dancing club and she gets a lap dance by  someone there is there's always some  kind of compromise in there where you  can capture a sense of what the other  person wants.

 

 

 

What do we do in sexless relationship?

 

Okay so let's go back up to this this  initial question my friends they're in  their 30s sexless sexless relationships  they are increasingly frustrated about  it it seems um  it's funny I've got like you know I've  got this collection of my best friends  we're very talkative and communicative  around our sex lives and stuff and I  just noticed that in various ways  they're in situations where they're not  they don't feel like they're getting  enough sex from their partner and they  see it as a critical problem which which  might result in them for example being  um cheating or  um ending the relationship  even in my own um sort of sexual  experience what got me really engaged  with this subject matter was I was in a  relationship where the pop my partner  turned around to me one day after six  months and said like I don't like having  sex and as a young man like having sex  with me oh and as yeah as a young man I  I think with you know with an ego I  thought well what does that mean that's  super emasculating does that mean that  I'm not hitting it right or like do I  maybe it's her problem you know whatever  and so I went on that Journey what did  she mean so it's interesting because we  separated yeah my reaction was very like  and also  I turned to her and said like why and  she said the next sentence was I'm not  comfortable talking about that with you  oh yeah so for me that was like the door  had closed of course it do because where  do you go with that yes exactly so I  broke up with her yeah and um year  passes we both go to different places we  both gonna you know figure ourselves out  a little bit and on her journey she  really got to understand that at the  heart of her relationship with sex was  this fear that had derived from previous  relationships where the partner was very  forceful you know um a parent cheating  all of those things that we kind of  discussed earlier so it wasn't that she  necessarily didn't like having sex there  was a lot of psychological work to be  done on removing that fear of like  abandonment and really if I made her  feel safe really really safe then the  sexual appetite would return that's what  happened oh so a year later we get back  together we ended up having the best sex  of Our Lives on an ongoing basis  um and it was because she was able to  understand I was okay so if she was able  to understand what was really going on I  was able to like be patient enough to  like listen and you know go from weeks  and weeks and months with not having  sexual intimacy and just be there  which allowed her to feel safe and then  beyond that we were able to kind of like  rebuild it fantastic and we're still  together today oh my God so this is your  girlfriend yeah I'll have to ask her for  permission to say this or I'll show her  the clip and make sure she's comfortable  with it yeah but um  extraordinary story so we went from a  point of I don't like having sex I'm not  having sex really really bad situation  to the best situation I think one can  imagine in that department obviously  communication was at the heart of it um  and giving her space to you know and and  I give the credit to her because she  figured that out but that's what got me  really into the subject matter because  I've now got loads of friends that are  in that situation  what I would say to your friends is  if your partner doesn't want to have sex  with you  I wonder whether how good the sex is  because  a lot of women say no I'm presumably  these straight couples a lot of women  say no to sex because the sex that's on  offer is not that interesting to them so  for this we need to talk about sex  drives spontaneous desire versus  responsive desire have you heard of that  yes yeah from reading your book  so spontaneous desire is two-thirds of  men have spontaneous desire and it's the  desire that everybody has at the  beginning and by the way if you want to  know somebody's resting libido you cut  you've got to wait about a year you have  to wait about a year to find out what  their real libido is because it's always  so artificially inflated at the start  right but so spontaneous desire  two-thirds of men have this it's it's  the you know want to see wanted to see  you know seek sex want sex seek sex they  can go from people with spontaneous  desire could be like scrolling through  Instagram somebody's sexy walks past and  it's like wow I'm instantly aroused for  sex they go from zero to a hundred very  quickly they seek out their mate want  sex and they're off right responsive  design fire means that you have no  desire for sex or very little desire for  sex until somebody is actually doing  something to you sexually so this is  somebody who you know maybe is with  their partner their partner wants to  have sex they're not even slightly  interested but goes okay look I'll give  it a go then once start things start  happening if their partner is very good  at stimulating them and they enjoy the  stimulation all of a sudden they're like  yeah actually yeah I'm enjoying this  that's the warming up that's the warming  up right now 30 of women have responsive  desire the rest of them are a mix  between spontaneous and responsive most  men so you've got this situation where  most men have spontaneous desire most  women are responsive most men are very  happy to go straight to genital sex they  don't need warming up the way their  Anatomy works for women for prey isn't a  luxury it's a necessity because in order  for sex to be comfortable you need the  vagina to tent so it literally puffs up  so that it can you know take a penis  comfortably so if you don't wait for  that to happen and you'd go male style  sex go straight for penetration she's  not even off the starting blocks and  suddenly you're penetrating sex isn't  great and then it's all over so the men  you could have like not even thinking  about sex to having finished within 10  minutes  for women they need time to warm up  because their sex drive is responsive so  they're almost like blinking it's over  and they haven't even got to five  percent desire  and this is the problem with couples and  that's that's with I'm talking about a  very basic couple who probably don't  talk about sex and who aren't terribly  sexually savvy so I think because I  think people have an understanding vague  understanding that women need more  foreplay I mean that's been drummed into  men hasn't it but I think that what  women don't understand is that women  think you know at the beginning it was  great it was all spontaneous I desire  was there you know when you get into a  long-term relationship desire doesn't  tap you on the shoulder anymore you have  to create it and women I think think  because they're that spontaneous desire  is gone  and they don't feel like sex it just  doesn't come out of the blue unless they  start having sex they think oh that just  must mean I don't want sex anymore well  something's wrong with me I don't want  sex anymore you do want sex it's just  that you've got to be have sexy things  happening to you before you feel the  desire for sex  and if people understood that if women  understood it better and stopped saying  oh well it obviously means my sex  drive's gone no it hasn't it's there  you've just got to have great  stimulation and great sex to get it back  and the other thing about women is that  women we have this thing about that  women want tame and they want romance  and stuff that's not true so much  research now shows that women like  erotic wild sex I mean they've done  these experiments with women where  they'll show them erotic videos and  they'll wire up the genitals to measure  genital response so when you're aroused  as a woman blood flows to the genital  same as men and you lubricate so they're  watching all these videos various sexy  videos and they have to say you know for  anything is disarousing you no because  society says no we're not supposed to be  and the genitals are like are you  kidding what are thinking this is  fantastic I'm absolutely say yes to this  say yes to this so the the you know that  there's such a big difference between  what we're taught and what we would like  so if your girlfriend's saying no to sex  and you're in a long-term relationship  it's because you're not giving her  interesting enough sex give her exciting  erotic sex give us something like  actually this is what we're going to do  I mean look at 50 Shades of Gray that  got middle-aged women wanting sex with  women who hadn't wanted sex for 20 years  I remember being on holiday with my  husband and we started talking to this  couple it was around the time when 50  Shades came out and she knew what I did  and she said she said God I hadn't  really had great sex with my partner  wasn't interested in sex you know for  like 10 years she said I read the book  I'm sitting there at two o'clock in the  morning I'm looking down at my partner  I'm thinking I really just want to wake  him up and have sex with him and she  said and I've never and and then she  said and I read the books and suddenly I  was back into this erotic sex with my  husband that I just forgotten I'd  forgotten about like you think of sex  it's like oh God here we go kissing a  bit fumbling you know and then the  routine sex but give people something  interesting like all your friends give a  really interesting scenarios take us  somewhere sexy push her out of her  Comfort zones don't give a romance don't  give her you know give her sexy sex and  then they'll be interested  hmm  I'm thinking of my friends like posing  that and how uncomfortable they'd feel  really like babe I want to drive to the  countryside because you know when you've  been with someone and you've become that  kind of sibling thing that you described  earlier they might almost look at you  with a bit of horror horror yeah yeah  you wouldn't go straight from not  talking about sex to like and we're  gonna go on a lap dance club tonight and  no you have to you have to have the  conversation you have to bite the bullet  and have the conversation because the  thing about sexist relationships if you  haven't had sex for a year with your  partner it is very unlikely you're gonna  have sex again with your partner unless  you confront it head on if you just  think yeah this will pass this will pass  it will never pass you're not going to  suddenly go oh my God look at that we  haven't had sex for five years let's go  to bed now no it's got to the awkward  awkward awkward stage so I mean 30 of  couples who have been together for two  years or more don't have sex  tears not 10 years two years thirty  percent it is very easy to get out of  the habit of sex and once you're out of  the habit of sex the less often you do  it and then couples get into this thing  where it's like God we haven't had sex  for ages but you know what next weekend  we'll have this Marathon sex session and  that'll make up for it all and then the  marathon sex session is like oh God how  am I going to find time for that or you  know that's a bit daunting and then of  course you'd have to have sex for like  six weeks to make up for the session so  it just becomes more and more  insurmountable so I always say to people  just have little point-sized bits of sex  you know don't have sex doesn't have to  have a beginning a middle and an end  like have a big Snogging session have a  thing where he gives you oral you don't  do any you know give nothing back or you  give him moral or you know you just do  something sensual together you have a  bath together that's counts as sex you  know people think sex has to have  intercourse in there it doesn't it's the  least favorite bit for women take the  Intercourse out  start doing little bite-sized stuff to  reconnect sexually  it's like a frog in a frying pan that  old analogy of how slowly that you know  the frog doesn't realize it's being  heated in a frying pan until the water's  boiling and it's dead like it happens  very very gradually in relationships it  does and then you get to a point where  you go how the hell did we get here yeah  and at that point you have to have The  Talk The Talk this is interesting  because one of my my friends was talking  to him about it and I was saying like  you've let it gradually stray so far and  you're currently letting it you're not  addressing it you need to Stage a crisis  it's kind of the way I framed it to him  which is like you need to say stop like  this relationship has to stop we have to  have a conversation now because I'm at a  point now where I'm either going to  leave this relationship or I'm gonna end  up cheating or something so we'll need  to fix this together and it needs to  feel important yeah or else it'll be  allowed to simmer that's exactly right  and of course.

 

 

Is porn damaging?

 

 

what lots of people do in  that scenario is they just turn to porn  yeah and they just satisfy themselves  with porn but that's not ideal obviously  but you well because it's it's it's  pretty solid sex isn't it just watching  porn and masturbating you know there's  really funny about porn actually because  I used to have a great relationship with  porn I used to say to people all the  time like Pawn is your friend watch it  with your partner it's great for you  know if you've got a high sex drive and  your partner doesn't it it you know you  can satisfy yourself it keeps your  imagination you know piqued you you know  can satisfy that sense of newness by  watching porn and now pawns moved into a  really  ugly stage with you know there's such a  a concentration on aggressive acts like  spitting choking choking is terrible  um slapping across the face it's become  very much like that and young men are  growing up to think that this is what a  normal sex session is like this is  normal real life sex it is not Paul is  nothing like real life sex and then  women look at it and go gosh right okay  that's obviously what's expected of me  this is what I have to do and it's it's  moving into a very nasty Direction they  say unmet expect patients equal  unhappiness so by setting expectations  up here is like we're going to do this  for an hour and I'm going to tie you up  and spit on you and choke you and you're  going to make this sound and you're  going to scream and you're going to tell  me I'm this and you're going to say that  I'm your father whatever yeah first  thing it might be then for those  expectations equals unhappiness in the  bedroom you go well you know I'm gonna  have to go looking for something else  exactly and that's what young men do  because they think that's what sex is  going to be about it's not all so then  they keep looking for the girls who will  give them down and then girls very  quickly figure out okay if I want to be  liked I have to do that I've just done a  big thing on choking and um and I  interviewed all these young girls and it  was it was horrifying it was they  they've been I mean between 58 of  college students between the age of you  know like had all been choked I think 30  of them had been asked and I'm not  talking about you know symbolic choking  of just putting a hand on the throat  which even that freaks me out but I'm  talking about you know cutting off wind  Supply there was one girl who told me  she was 21. she she'd gone out with this  guy he seemed really nice he started  choking her she said no she passed out  she woke up  next to this guy who was asleep he then  said to and then she got herself out of  there and was like oh my God you know  terrified he texted her the next day and  said oh my God babe this sex was awesome  let's meet up again and she was she was  just like how could you possibly think  that that was good and that worries me a  lot I think that that I mean I sex I  think it's moving in a great way in lots  of ways particularly for young women  except for things like that I think that  is terrible so no you don't want to be  satisfying yourself with porn but you  have to have the conversation if sex is  now out of your marriage you cannot just  let it go and be the elephant in the  room because exactly what you said is  going to happen you're going to leave or  you're going to cheat  so you sit down with your partner and  you say listen we really need to have  discussion about this I love you  desperately  um but I miss our sex I really we used  to have lovely sex I love having sex  with you you're really desirable it's  it's you know and I can we talk about  why this isn't happening anymore  are you having the sort of you know is  it that the sex that we're having isn't  doing it for you what can I do to make  you you know want to have sex more often  with me because I would really love to  have sex with you more often can we have  a discussion about this okay I've got  friends that have tried that and what  happened  um the partner doesn't necessarily know  it's a similar situation to what I  thought the one on the situation I  described that I was in where my partner  turned around and said something because  they might not have the information  themselves they go well I just don't  like having it and they might not know  that the you know the responsive sex  language that you talked about and they  might not know what's going on with oh I  see the partner might not know why she  doesn't why sure he doesn't like having  sex  um and then you can hit a wall don't you  well that's when you educate yourself  that's when you give me a few of my  books yeah to give you a bit of  education but I mean okay so the partner  who wants sex is generally more driven  so maybe they could sexually actually  educate themselves and say you know I've  been reading up about this perhaps it  might be because if this can be try  having sex this way but it's all about  breaching the topic and then I mean  depending on the reaction I mean I know  I've you know encouraged some people to  have this talk and then they've got an  answer which is just startling well  they'll say I don't want to have sex  anymore I'm not interested did in  solving this so that's it so you just  have to put up with it  that's basically well what I got if  somebody says that to you and they  really and you've tried on several  occasions and you I I think that is  grounds for walking out myself and I did  yeah yeah and a miracle seems different  yes because then people did some soul so  and sometimes maybe you walk out and  then the person thinks well gosh  actually that's not very fair because  monogamy is all about you know I pledge  to only have sex with one person but if  that person withdraws sex then where are  you left apart from having solo sex and  you know or you have an agreement okay  well if you won't have sex with me then  what are my options my options are to  satisfy myself to cheat you happy for me  to seek the sex elsewhere and lots lots  of times people will say yeah actually I  am I don't want to know about it I don't  want it to be in our friendship group  and we're going to have to have rules  about this but you know some women are  more than happy for that to happen or  some men are more than happy for that to  happen it's not just a female thing here  men go off sex as well on this point of  porn as well there was I read something  recently about the shame that it's  causing in in people like I think the  study that I read and I'm yeah I think I  read that too about 40 of men that use  um that masturbate to porn report to  feeling a sense of Shame and then when  we think about the sort of macro where  we are in sex as a society right now  there is a decline of sex isn't that  going on which is absolutely quite  concerning yeah there is a there's a sex  recession and that's very much because  I mean basically there wasn't a sex  recession before social media streaming  phones it's all to do with that we have  too much to do we basically just go off  sex because we have other things to  entertain us you know pre-order 10 34 on  a Saturday night most couples were  having sex there was nothing else to do  that was it we just did two you know  there's that going on so we're too busy  we've got too many other things on our  plate that's the main problem with  long-term couples then you have like I  think less face-to-face communication  with me which makes people quite nervous  if you haven't had sex before and you're  dealing mainly with you know FaceTime  calls you know video calls which is what  lots of young people are when you're  face to face they get very nervous they  don't know anything about Body Language  they don't know how to connect and sex  becomes scary in Japan there's something  like 30 no higher I think more like 45  of people get to the age of in their 30s  and their virgins they've never even had  a sexual encounter  and they just and if you don't give your  body sex your body doesn't want sex so  they could quite happily go through life  completely sexless that's what's going  to end up happening with sex we are  becoming less and less and less and you  know the more we go into Virtual Worlds  the more I mean the amount of people who  rely on porn for sex who can't even be  bothered going out and finding a partner  because it's all too difficult  I mean we're it's becoming less and less  about the intimacy and more and more  about just the getting off part we're  now in an

 

 

AI Sex Robots

 

AI world as well yes  terrifying which is very interesting yes  because you're now you know we've heard  about sex dolls and stuff like that over  the years but a sex doll that can speak  to you with such depth and reason and  apparent emotional uh nuance and  understanding is really really scary you  can think I was thinking about thinking  about this thinking about all the  different ways that AI is going to  disrupt us as like the social fabric of  society one of the really clear ways  that was you can now have a sex doll in  your house that speaks to you that  comforts you that understands your  problems understands what you're going  through and can give you unbelievable  advice Will Never Shout at you or never  criticize you and will please you in a  in a personalized way it will learn how  to please you  think about all the lonely people  think about all the lonely people that  can now have a  companionship  if you're somebody who can't find a  companion in real life or you're lonely  I mean it's better than a dog isn't it I  mean it's I I mean I think that's got  some really nice applications to it but  it's also got some dire applications to  it because then you know It ultimately  we'll end up with a with no population  will because no one will be having  sexual person yeah so I think you think  you can see the short term oh well you  know Dave's going to be slightly more  less lonely potentially yeah right but  if we if we go up that exponential curve  of improvement we get to a point where  this thing is walking it talking it is  making you making your breakfast your  dinner your whatever then it's  satisfying you on demand and then you  look over at a human and you go  they're going to be more interesting  aren't they that's what I'm saying  they're going to be more interesting  they're going to be better in every way  you know no I think humans will be more  interesting surely do you want like  somebody like it's like a yes person I  don't want a yes person in my life I  want somebody to think they do yeah  people I think people will choose the  short term without thinking about the  long term of like connection and  companionship over time and Challenge  and different solving problems you know  I think the average person if they could  be faced with a with if they were to  draw their perfect partner they wouldn't  say I want difficulty and Challenge and  sometimes to walk out arguments and to  be interrupted when the football's on  you know you're not going to put that in  there but then I think surely over time  I don't know I I do worry about AI with  humans and I don't share you know like  some people present the argument like  would be free to do all these amazing  esoteric things we won't we'll just sit  there and look at social media and get  fat and drink and sit in our rooms  watching porn that's what we'll do yeah  because we choose the like short-term  dopamine over the long term yeah instant  gratification gosh that is scary that's  going to be a huge industry yeah I mean  it really is a big industry yeah these  these living AI sex dolls will be a huge  industry I don't think they've quite  perfected the robot a bit though have  they  um so there's a couple of things  happening in in tandem I mean Elon Musk  is is working on his own um robots at  Tesla we have Boston robotics I believe  they're called who have been working on  robots for a long time but um it's gonna  move very quickly as as all exponential  curves do so now we've got the kind of  machine learning modeling  um ml MLM AGI they call it artificial  general intelligence stuff moving  quickly the robotics side I think is  going to gain Pace because now there's a  greater demand but it's really really  it's one of the things I am did you see  that film blade back in the day no it's  all large in the real dot real girl do  you remember that that was about a guy  who had a sex doll oh really and the  whole village  um sort of accepted it and then when he  didn't need her he got a real person at  the end but no I didn't see blade just  there's a scene in this film called  blade where he puts on a headset and  it's set I mean it was 20 years ago and  upset in the future in the future puts  the headset on and this headset you know  is exactly that it's an AI that  basically gets him off and it's the time  of his life and actually they sit his  cup his partner sits opposite him and  they both put the headset on and they  yeah actually I do think I did yeah it's  a scary one that's what we'll be doing  we will be doing that  I mean we're kind of going that way  already with porn and we talked about  this sort of macro decline in sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can we turn the sex recession around?

 

Are you hopeful that we can turn that  around  and I have  cope with the young generation of women  I think this is the first generation of  women who really have probably the least  sexual Hang-Ups that we've ever had and  I think that  I mean young women are much more  adventurous than young men it's sort of  going in a weird Direction I think that  way and all the young women that I'm in  contact with I'm talking about young  women in their 20s early 30s we know  that young women are more bi-curious  than men we know that young women are  more interested in threesomes with two  women than men are we know that young  women are more interested in going to a  sex club than men are we know that young  women are more interested in polyamory  and they they don't want several love  relationships they want  the lovely relationship and then they  want to be able to have sex with men on  the side it's not men thinking like this  this is women thinking like this and I  think that it's going to make for more  interesting relationships and because  the whole women are overturning  everything like the motivation for  Affairs now has completely reversed so  men used to have affairs for sex now  most men if they're in a good  relationship will satisfy that with porn  right most men  um now men have affairs for love and  affection  women have affairs they used to have  affairs for love that they weren't  getting from their partner now they have  affairs for erotic sex sex where they're  not looking after their partner they can  be selfish they don't have to care about  whether they hurt his feelings or say  don't do it that way they're not going  to care about whether Stephen doesn't  like it if he's being instructors like  do that do this they want that sort of  sex right and that's why they're having  Affairs so I feel like my hope is that  women are going to take the charge and  go forward and we're going to end up  with sex it's more interesting sex  that's less doing everything to please a  man more equal you know this is what I  need this is what I want this is what  you need this is what you want let's  work out the best way to do that  together  not where you know because so many women  still now that's the thing does  disappoint me is still have sex to  please men still pretend to have orgasms  during penetrative sex because Society  is brainwashed we have known that women  don't orgasm basically through  penetrative sex since Kama Sutra which  was written in the third to fifth  century and yet most men will go yeah  yeah yeah I've heard about that I've  heard about that it hasn't happened to  me I've just been really lucky for all  my girlfriends you know I mean it's just  like they're faking they're faking  because the girl before faked and they  feel they have to fake and you know  every depiction of sex is that you know  everybody has this Mutual orgasm  simultaneous orgasm together  and that's just how sexy it's well it's  not like that it's a it's totally not  like that at all.

 

 

 

How To Boost Body Self-Esteem

 

Speaking of young women  in your book great sex dance at 50 one  of the things you talk about is the  issue of sort of sexual confidence and  sexual self-esteem  um talk about that in the opening  chapter of the book and  I found it really compelling really  interesting that  women  view themselves differently when they  look in the mirror which has a libido  impact body image is terrible they've  just done a study which looked at  two decades 20 years of study so they  did a study on all the studies on body  image and it turns out that it impacts  every single area of sex regularity of  sex enjoyment of sex arousal desire  orgasm and it makes sense that if you  don't like your body you're not going to  want anyone to look at it or touch it it  is the biggest problem with women today  and their sex lives is that often you  know this is the other thing with your  friends  you know had they just had babies has  their body changed you know are they not  feeling so desirable you know desire I  think feeling desired by your partner is  much more important to women than you  know anything else if your partner looks  at you in a you know like God you're so  hot you're so sexy that is the biggest  turnout of all and if you're feeling not  great about yourself and your mindset is  so much down on yourself that you think  I don't even how could he possibly look  at me and think that I'm attractive then  you'll never feel that your partner  confess you to death but you're never  going to feel it because your brain's  just gone nope I am not sexually  attractive anymore  so that is a real problem it's a real  problem and you know what the solution  is for that is not to go off and get a  facelift or get your hair done or lose  weight or go to the gym more though  actually going to the gym more is one  exercise is really good for your sex  drive and for your self-esteem but the  other thing is that cura's body image is  um is actually to have sex more  if you have sex more often and your  partner enjoys it your brain goes on a  subconscious level well you know what it  can't be that bad because he's having  sex me or she's having sex me whoever's  having sex with you they're enjoying it  and so you it start your brain starts to  make sense of it all and go okay right  you know this is  I'm obviously not as undesirable as I  think and it starts to sort of become  better and more able to be dealt with so  the more you have sex the better because  it gives you confidence and sexually  confident women  women who think they're good in bed so  increase your skills as well if you're  worried that you're not a great lover

read up on it buy some of the books go  online look up technique you know  because technique is very important and  the better lover you think you are the  less you worry about what you look like  in bed we all know that sexually  confident women win all the time and  sexually confident women put on weight  the same way other people do as they get  on in life etc etc you know their bodies  are different after pregnancy but they  don't focus on them they're like hey I'm  a brilliant lover who cares you know  he's not looking at that he's just  thinking how fantastic I am so it's more  about increase your confidence as a  lover exercise more  and I mean then the obvious take this  off of social media stop comparing  yourself to other people all that sort  of stuff but it's it's difficult it's  very difficult and I think men suffer  from this as well  that's so unbelievably true especially  um  especially the part that it also relates  to men because I've got multiple  accounts from female friends of mine  that are in a heterosexual relationship  that have told me their partner won't  have sex with them with his top off or  with the lights on  um and also the point there about how  you solve that body confidence issue  that  confidence comes from the evidence you  get from doing the thing yeah  and also if you are worried about your  body when you're having sex close your  eyes like close your eyes and think  about what you're feeling it's about  what what you're feeling not like how  are you looking because if it's  stressing you out and you're looking at  thinking oh my God he's looking at my  thighs he's looking at this just close  your eyes and go into yourself or become  more active that's the other way to  overcome body issues is if you're really  active in bed and you're like looking at  your partner and you're talking dirty  and you're making lots of eye contact  that way anything to sort of take  yourself out of yourself is good you  either go into yourself and focus on  what you're feeling rather than what  you're looking like or you sort of  become way more active that also works  three things that boost sexual  self-esteem easily in your book initiate  sex to feel more powerful yes absolutely  initiation is such a big thing on so  many levels and if you don't ever  initiate sex with your partner you're  essentially saying I don't actually  enjoy having sex with you I'm only  having sex with you because you've asked  me to have sex with you and people argue  about that it's like well his Sex Drive  is way bigger or you know higher and  lots of stuff it doesn't matter you  really need to have a thing where you  know if if your partner's got a much  bigger sex drive than you you need to  say something look okay it's really sexy  being the person who's the sexy one in  the relationship that's why you know  it's great it's nice to be that person  but I want to be the sexy one in the  relationship so hold off on initiating  for a while and give me a chance to  initiate so that I can feel more  powerful and it's it's such a great  Dynamic that that power dynamic in in  you know relationships is really  important that you have to be sometimes  the dominant person you have to be the  submissive person and if you swap around  it makes for a much more interesting sex  life but if you don't initiate something  it's a real cop-out to never initiate  sex I really do think so and when women  do it who don't often initiate sex what  often happens is that they'll be so  subtle that the man misses the point  completely it's like well I gave him  this really sexy kiss and it was like  yeah and yeah anything else anything  else that went with that and he didn't  even you know and now I'm not going to  do that and it's like oh for God's sake  just be really obvious about it be  really obvious about it and going back  to initiation just be aware  that how you initiate sex will influence  whether or not your partner says yes so  if you initiate sex the wrong way your  partner might say no to sex because you  just approached it all the wrong way  whereas if you approach your partner  that you know has got a responsive sex  drive by talking cuddling connecting  whatever she wants could be you know she  might want you to initiate sex like that  but you know and getting her in the mood  the way she wants to be in the mood not  the way you would like her to get in the  mood but the way she wants to be in the  mood she'll probably say yes to sex so a  lot of people say no to sex isn't that  they don't want sex they're just being  approached the wrong way and they're not  being warmed up the right way  so if you can solve those two basic  things it can change everything feels  like there's something really  fundamental here that we we assume sex  will take care of itself it never oh my  God writing all those textbooks when I  go to a dinner party people either want  to sit next to me or they go as far away  from you as they possibly can because  they're terrified and the people who say  to me oh God but I don't need a Sex book  I'm like yes you do you're the person  that needs a Sex book I've written 17 of  them and I'm still learning about sex  there is so much to learn about sex how  can you think you possibly know  everything about sex without ever  educating yourself and it's changing of  course it is but people who think that  they're born great lovers they don't you  know I think the female response system  is complicated who knew what a clitoris  was back in the day you know like  they're difficult stimul actually  they're not that difficult you just give  it a vibrator and then they're fine but  um you know it's not easy being a great  lover and can I just say one more thing  about orgasms is we worry too much about  orgasms and how we get them there is no  right way to have an orgasm because  everyone thinks the right way to have an  orgasm is during intercourse with your  partner and preferably them climaxing at  the same time simultaneous orgasms  hardly ever happen for a start they're  always faked so the easiest way to give  a woman an orgasm I mean great women can  be very easily orgasmic if you use the  right finger technique if you give her  the right oral sex technique but the  thing that is most expert at stimulating  the clitoris is vibration  most women can have an orgasm within  three minutes with a vibrator so we have  this big orgasm gut problem where men  are having lots of orgasms during  partner sex women aren't having very  many orgasms during partner sex because  they don't understand each other very  well because sometimes people just just  can't relax with another person there  right  so the solution is to put your hand in  the bedside drawer and bring out a  vibrator and she would have an orgasm  every single time the same way you have  an orgasm every single time why don't we  all just do this it's the easiest  solution in the world but we don't young  men are better at it they'll often say  oh you know and she'll say if women are  honest and they'll say look you know  that was fantastic but I kind of missed  the moment a bit which you can as a  woman can I just use my vibrator or can  you use the vibrator on me sorted but we  have this like that's a cheating orgasm  yeah or that it takes something away  from the couple knows yeah yeah but it's  a solution I'm not saying have all your  orgasms like that but just maybe now and  then have the vibrator in the bed and  why is it inferior if you can have all  that intimacy if you've had the oral sex  you've had the Intercourse you've  thoroughly enjoyed it but it just hasn't  given you that tip over what I mean by  that question about this fundamental  belief that kind of sex is supposed to  take care of itself and I think that's  why we don't talk about it enough we  don't research about it enough we don't  try put invest in making it new and  exciting and different and all the  things you've said is because we just  shoot because at the start it kind of  takes care of itself doesn't yes it does  yeah first couple of months and then all  the sex hormones are there driving us  driving us without even us having to  think about it and then we you don't  think about sex as something you've got  to work on and talk about and invest in  and buy stuff for and you know change  all the time I've already got a job you  know I don't know well unfortunately  that's what you have to do if you want a  good sex life it's what you do and the  thing is it makes me laugh because we  put effort into every other thing you  don't I eat the same meal every single  night you find it buy a good cookbook  and look up recipes and experiment with  different things and no one goes well  that's terrible without so much effort I  don't have to do that I want to know how  to cook a three course caught on Blue  meal without even looking at a cookbook  well in the movies they never do it  there's no movie where they sit and talk  about sex what did you like okay you'd  like to do in the movies they come in  the door and to pick them up and they  put their hands back and they rip the  dress off oh you know and then do you  know what I'm the worst person to watch  TV with because I shout at the  television honestly there was a thing  called Dr Foster did you ever watch that  saran Jones was said it and there was  this couple they'd been together 10  years they woke up on a Sunday morning  right Sunday morning just woke up she's  a cause full makeup lingerie everything  um and next minute he's like thrown her  against the wall they're having sex  standing up and you know like all the  like I thought oh  fake this is a couple 10 years in it is  not happening like that and then even me  who knows that this doesn't happen this  is not the norm I'm like a little bit  like and I always turn to poor eyeballs  and I say you realize that's not true  you realize that this is not a real and  he's sort of like sitting there going  yep yep I do know like cover your eyes  don't have unreal expectations don't  think you're missing out on this and  because it's sad because people try and  they think that that hot sex at the  beginning should last a lifetime and  when it goes and you think the next  person you meet is going to last forever  this is this one's Gonna Last Forever  and then of course it dies down and dies  down and dies down you're like damn it  I've got the wrong person you haven't  got the wrong person it's because all  the sex and love hormones have stopped  working that's the only way to keep  having sex like that the only way to  keep having that beginning sex over and  over is to swap Partners constantly  constantly swap partners and you can  have that beginning bit over and over  again it is impossible to have that type  of sex you have at the start when you're  fueled by all these chemicals at the end  of a relationship or during a  relationship anything over two years  it's virtually you can have satisfying  sex great sex exciting sex but it's not  fueled by the same hormone so you cannot  recreate that and if people knew that no  matter what person you end up with then  they would stop leaving perfectly good  relationships in search of something  that's not ever going to be found  as you might know this podcast is now  sponsored by the incredible Airbnb and  Airbnb have saved me many many times  whenever I'm working away or on business  trips or on holidays but have you ever  thought about whether your home could be  an Airbnb when you're away on business  or on holiday or even just a part of  your home let me explain maybe your  roommate is moving out and you're  thinking about what to do with the extra  space well maybe you have a spare  bedroom that you've never used you could  Airbnb it and make some extra cash for  bills or to pay for anything in your  life holidays or just for some extra  money I've airbnb'd my place previously  and honestly the process couldn't have  been easier it's something I'd highly  recommend you all to check out your  extra room that extra space you have in  your house you might be surprised how  much it's worth I was surprised how much  it was worth and you can find out how  much it's worth by going to airbnb. co. uk  slash host that's airbnb. com host check  it out.

 

 

Are Sexless Relationships unhappy?

 

I've talked in this conversation  as if sexless relationships are in happy  relationships yes but that is not true  is it no it's not true you can often  have I mean people do instantly think if  they're not having sex oh my God you  know divorce is coming soon no I mean  you can get sex isn't the be-all and  end-all for everybody lots of people are  very low sexual libidos if you've got  two people who have low sex drives they  have a lot of sex at the beginning or  maybe not even that much and then all of  a sudden it fades off they're perfectly  happy some people are happy having you  know one great session every six months  that's enough for them it keeps them  perfectly satisfied so long as both of  you are like that but what doesn't work  is if one of you is highly sex driven in  the beginning you know we all worry  about compatibility please measure you  know match up with somebody who has the  same sex drive as you and I know it's  artificially inflated at the beginning  but don't commit to anything until  you're six months in eight months in a  year and don't marry anyone under that  because you don't know what their sex  drive is wait until after a year and  then you see and it's very difficult if  you've got a massively higher sex drive  and your other one doesn't but you can  be perfectly happy in sexist  relationships so long as both of you are  happy with that and also you know they  used to define a sexist relationship as  couples who had sex 10 times a year now  plenty of couples especially couples  over 50 only have sex 10 times a year  and they were like indignant to be  described as sexless so now they've  changed it to a sexist relationship is  one where sex hasn't happened in a year  and that's a low sex relationship to be  10 times a year but it's all dependent  on where you're at in life like if you  if you've just had babies and they're  under two you're not going to be having  a lot of sex if you're 18 you just got  together you're going to be having an  awful lot of sex you know if you're part  if you've just gone through menopause or  perimenopause and everything's gone to  hell you're not going to be having sex  at that period of time so you can't  there is no one-size-fits-all thing so  find your normal is what I would say and  if you're normal is no sex so long as  you have a conversation about it that's  fine but you what you cannot do is stop  sex and not talk about it that is really  really dangerous you've got to have some  kind of discussion even if that's  getting into bed one night and one of  you says we don't have sex much anymore  do you does it bother you no it doesn't  really bother me good  even if it's that  but you do need and you need to have  lots of affection lots of you need to  make up for that don't stop touching  physically because when sex stops people  often stop touching each other because  they're worried that that's going to  lead to sex and that's going to be  awkward so keep up the effect that's why  you've got to have the chair if you  don't have the chat affection stops and  if affection and sex stops then you are  in trouble  if you've got lots of affection you're  okay it's so long as both of you are  happy  interesting  but you're not going to be happy if one  person doesn't want sex to stop and the  other one does that doesn't make for a  happy relationship at all and in that  situation is it right to then just leave  no you have to chat and the chat is but  they say in the chat no I want more  sexes I don't want more sex than what  you do  well then you look at exactly you sort  of go through a process so you have the  chat you talk about you make sure the  sex that's on offer is good sex for the  person who doesn't want to you look at  anything around it like you know have  they got any childhood issues that need  dealing with what are the you know why  don't do they not want to want if they  don't want to want then you need to look  at what happened you know sexual trauma  there's I mean if the person that  doesn't want to have sex with you is  willing to look at ways to become more  sexual  stay of course stay you know there's  always hope yes there's tons of stuff  you can do you know you can you can take  strip sex right Back to Basics where you  don't have penetrative sex for a year  you might do the sense8 Pocus program  which is all about touching each other  without sexual intent and it might be  that you have to go almost like you've  got to learn how to have sex all over  again if your partner is willing to try  anything's possible definitely don't  walk out but if your partner says I  don't want to have sex with you and I  have no interest in having sex I've got  no interest in trying to you know bring  get back my desire and you're not  allowed to have sex either you're not  allowed to seek it anywhere else or you  know apart from running off to the  office and masturbating to porn well  which was have you gone I mean some  people stay some people stay in that  scenario because the love is very strong  and they've got kids or whatever but I  think that's an incredibly selfish thing  to say to a partner chapter nine of your  book it says that 33 of  um couples said that they rarely or  never  have had sex and one quarter of those  rated themselves as being extremely  happy that's right so something like 75  of people who were denied sex nearly all  of the time stay if the love is strong  people choose love over sex and of  course they do because how often are you  having sex even if you're having sex a  lot even if you're having sex once a day  twice a day it's still only really for  half an hour each time so you know in  the proportion of the time you spend  together you're the love bit's more  important than the sex bit it definitely  is unless the sex bit is really bad and  then it tends to poison the rest of the  relationship  do you do any sort of therapy for  couples the couples  and do individuals come to you for  advice in a professional context to get  no therapy I do friends and and friends  and friends and stuff like that I don't  because I lack the skills to  disassociate this is why I never became  a therapist because I'm not very good at  there are ways to solve a problem where  you can stand outside the problem or you  stand right in the middle of it all and  take it all on and I'm the stand in the  middle person and I and I wouldn't ever  be able to I would have no boundaries  they'd be calling me day and night so  now I can't do that.

 

 

 

The most common question get asked about sex?

 

what are the most  common questions that people ask you  about sex and I'd like the ones that we  don't talk about enough  so you know I don't know whether it's  erectile dysfunction or whether it's oh  my God erectile dysfunction for men is  women don't appreciate how having not  been able to get direction or you know  is is the biggest psychological  catastrophe yeah men experience we can't  fake it no no penis envy who wants a  penis I certainly don't want a penis  it's all out there to see we can fake  everything but it's really difficult for  men and I think men I mean we have a  problem with Viagra by the way Viagra is  a big problem because young men take  Viagra because they want to have the  biggest hardest reactions ever and  they're worried about they're so  performance you know they have so much  performance anxiety because they're  watching too much porn and they think  that that's real so they take Viagra  because they think just this once you  know I'll be I'll just when it's the  first time I sleep with her I want to be  really hard and then of course you know  eventually you stop it or try to and  your girlfriend says oh this isn't you  know you're not as hard as you normally  are and suddenly you're back on this  cycle and then young women expect that  that is a normal erection which is not  anyone who's looked at a Viagra driven  erection and a normal erection they're  completely different and then on the  other end of it you've got older couples  who you know we've got two pop problems  with when you get over 50 or 60 men have  erectile dysfunction and women have you  know dry vaginas and very you know the  vagina basically atrophies so they've  solved it for men great take this pill  and suddenly you're like you were 18  again but you're still with this vagina  that's not 18 where it's going to hurt  like hell and then the man who suddenly  Got The Swinging penis is like well what  am I supposed to do with this and then  he goes off and cheats with somebody  because he's so happy to have this this  big rock art erection ago is there a  relationship problems age and infidelity  um I'm not sure about that I would say  as in men cheating later more likely to  cheat later in life or I know they're  middle-aged people cheat a lot because  that's when you've you've got choices  yeah yeah you've got choices you're  traveling you've got money and it's  probably easy to get away with you're  bored you've had the kids you know  you've established to take everything  for granted  um you know things like that make people  cheat it's opportunity Temptation and  your moral code you know it's not to do  with love it is to do with respect  though  red flags in relationships the most  compatible couples have compatible life  goals something I've heard you say  before yes  I think that is really important because  it is all about its timing is so  important and and life goals say you've  got you know you've got the perfect  relationship now your girlfriend's great  say suddenly you decided right I want to  go off to Africa and work with pygmies  for  five years this is my life goal you know  what's she supposed to do of course it's  important to have the same goals if  you've got one person who wants  adventure and you like to be hiking  every weekend and you know camping my  idea of hell they're not going to match  well with somebody like me who wants to  be in a nice hotel and you know having  lots of cocktails you know I mean like I  don't mind the odd campy in hiking but  do you know what I mean like you've got  to have you got to be compatible there's  some stereotypes that still sort of  exist and linger around sex and men and  women being you know one of the ones  that I was reading about in chapter six  of your book is studies show it's it's  not true men have a high sex drive than  women women have a different desire for  sex which you talked about studies also  show it's not true that monogamy is  harder for men than it is for women we  tend to think that men are the ones that  cheat exactly which has never made sense  because if we just pretend the world for  a second was due the heterosexual  equation every time a man is having sex  in a heterosexual heterosexual world so  as a woman so you know the numbers don't  quite add up it would one would assert  just from the looking at the numbers  that it's got to be quite close to like  50 50 to some degree yeah of course and  also like if you look at the stats on  who's happiest the happiest people are  single women and married men they're the  two happiest groups of people always  single women and married men are the  happiest I've been the happiest groups  of people like not married women  married women like end up doing all the  jobs and you know married women aren't  happier than single women  single women are happier than married  women and married men are really happy  because they get everything done for  them basically.

 

 

 

How bad are Kids for our sex lives?

 

what role do kids play in this whole  equation oh my God kids I think really  make the love part better I suppose  because you've created that thing but  they're terrible for sex terrible for  sex I mean the minute the kids come  along you can kiss goodbye for sex for  five years really really and people  freak about it and they're like it's  never going to come back and it will  come back of course it will but you know  all your energy is going to children so  I think if you're gonna have kids you've  got to accept that your sex life is  going to take a back seat for a long  long time don't panic about it keep  having little sexual connections that  aren't necessarily including intercourse  little bite-sized pieces of sex and  you'll be fine but don't kid yourself  it's not going to change your sex life  because it will boy will it people some  people think that having kids will save  their relationship God no it's so  stressful  I don't I do not understand this every  time I see somebody with a child you  only have to hang around children for  about two seconds to realize how  stressful they are if you've already got  problems in your relationship and  suddenly you're going to sleep deprive  yourself you're going to make have  somebody dependent on you 24 hours a day  how is this going to make you more you  know happier with your husband it  doesn't even make sense to me it might  stop people leaving because of you know  obligation but who wants to be with  somebody out of obligation  you said something that um in your work  that a neuroscientist told me on this  podcast which is that after the first  year non-parents are generally happier  over time than parents it's kind of a  controversial idea it is a controversial  idea but I mean there's a trade-off with  kids there's such a trade-off you can  never I mean and I think there's I'm a  step parent my husband has a daughter  and when we're going through hustles  with Sophia which she she's a little  darling but also could be a little devil  let me tell you  um  he can sleep I mean sorry I can sleep  Mars can't sleep and when I and I lie  there and I think gosh if I had given  birth to Sophia if she'd been you know I  wouldn't be able to sleep there's no way  that I'd be able to sleep it's it's you  are knowing that you're going to be  worrying for the rest of your life once  you have a kid  it's it's such a big responsibility and  when you have that responsibility it  means you know you're not going to be  able to do you're not selfless you  become selfless then don't you can't be  selfish and have a kid well you can you  can be a really bad parent but it's  different isn't it  it's really different I'm sure but then  parents say well you're the one that's  missed out because you don't have this  incredible and I have such a good  relationship with my mum and my dad and  and us three kids are all Milling around  them they're like 87 and 89 I'm thinking  no one's going to do that for me who's  going to do that for me I have to pay  for it so there is that when I hear that  stuff I do wonder if it's the term  happiness is the confusing thing because  you know a parent might say it's given  me such a sense of purpose or meaning  yeah of course if you ask me in a survey  on a Tuesday how I'm feeling after  staying up till [ÔøΩ__ÔøΩ] 2 A. M because  this kid was screaming I'm probably more  likely to report at any given moment to  being less happy but if you zoom out  there's more meaning and purpose one  might say that to try and provide the  counter argument  um I mean how many people who say what's  the best thing you've ever done they say  having children yeah everybody says that  yeah and they can't all be lying no one  says a promotion at work or whatever  else they say no they don't so it must  be you know I mean not everybody says  that but I I do know mothers who say God  you know what if I look back maybe I  wouldn't have done this but they're very  brave and they told childless women that  they never tell a woman with a child.

 

 

 

Men and Women libido (Sexual appetite)

 

Women's libido I was reading in um in  chapter six about women's libido tends  to drop  as as as they age whereas men's  um seems to remain fairly stable  throughout the relationship  hey Bob but then they have the you know  women struggle with the drop of um  because menopause with all the drop of  testosterone and all the you know  estrogen all those things that keep your  genitals in good shape and keep your sex  drive high men's testosterone drops as  well  but then they're struggling with  directions so if you're an older man and  you can get your head around that you're  not going to get erections as easily as  you did and it doesn't bother you you're  going to be fine  um if you're a woman and you actually  you know  get all the things that are available to  you take HRT if you can like there's  solutions for all of this and don't  think to yourself oh well we're old now  we're not going to be sexual you'll be  fine as well but I think people panic  you know when they hit a certain age and  there's this perception you know like  you know people get I did a campaign for  um replens which is a vagina moisturizer  which most men blinker and good to see  you didn't and it was all about and had  these beautiful images of um older  people kissing passionately or naked  from the back and and they were quite  old they and they they were the most  beautiful images and so many people were  threatened by that they were really  threatened because there was old people  doing sexual things and it would we're  not treated to that we don't see that  very often so when somebody does that  they um yeah people free they don't like  to think about older people having sex  so when you're old you have it already  in your head I'm not supposed to want  sex anymore which is completely untrue  and is that why you wrote a book called  great sex starts at 50. yes because for  me that's what happened I went through  the whole of my life with a high libido  I've written about sex I thought this  isn't going to happen to me because I  know everything about sex of course and  then I hit like 50 no actually probably  even before that and suddenly I realized  I remember typing away one day and  thinking of course David I was single at  the time hadn't masturbated for ages  what's going on have you even thought  about sex for ages and it's the drop in  hormones and you know and it's quite  extraordinary to that whole spontaneous  desire I had very high spontaneous  design suddenly it went so I just  suddenly became like other women I  suppose and suddenly it was like oh my  God I see where everyone's going on  about so I thought yeah for my own sake  I might write that book  and it's very good writing that book  there's a lot of Solutions in there  what are some of the most important  solutions for my listeners that are  maybe experiencing a similar situation  again manage expectations keep having  sex that whole use it or lose it you've  got to keep having sex that's very very  important  um get your head around the whole thing  about that old doesn't mean that you  can't be sexy you can be it doesn't  matter what you look like it's what you  feel like it's it's so many many  different things and also you don't have  to put I think a society particularly  English people we all put up with stuff  like there are solutions for all of  these things you know like if you've got  to dry vagina go and get a vagina  moisturizer go and get a you know  estrogen pessary there are solutions for  everything that happens with menopause  you don't have to sit there and just put  up with it all because if you do then  you won't want to have sex definitely so  seek all the solutions don't be scared  to to try and find solutions to all  these things because they really are out  there change your headset you know and  the women it's interesting that they did  a big thing about what really influences  women's desire post menopause and it  wasn't menopause it was your attitude to  sex if you'd always loved sex and you  wanted sex to continue you found the  solutions and you kept on having great  sex if you were never that Keen it's  like well actually you know what here we  go an obstacle what a great salute what  a great sort of excuse to never have sex  again so its attitude was way more  important to how good the sex was after  menopause nothing to do with menopause  it seems again like the one of the  foundations behind all of this that's  kind of hiding in the back room when it  as it relates to people's libido and  their attitudes to sex is that kind of  childhood experiences we talked about  which is super tricky to unpack and even  become aware of and we all have our own  childhood experiences of sex intimacy  relationships some cases in the worst  case is abuse and all those things  that's terrible that we need to find a  way to overcome first or address first  before we can even that's right and I  mean particularly for men often their  first experience childhood experience of  sex is being caught masturbating  and how the parent deals with that is  very formative because if it's like  absolutely what are you doing you know  like do you it's very filthy it's dirty  it's like what are you doing then they  are going to  continue to masturbate because pretty  much they do but they're going to try  and do it faster and faster and faster  so every time they masturbate they're  going to be trying to get it down to as  quick as quick as possible time so that  they don't get in trouble again and then  they end up with rapid ejaculation they  can last two seconds before they  ejaculate so that's affected their sex  life in a in a purely physical way it  sets us up in so many different ways our  childhood you know and I mean I was  lucky to grow up in a household where  why a household was like that but we  just talked about sex opening I suppose  my sister worked for Family Planning  which helped but that was later so I  don't know my mum and my dad were really  cool talking about sex and things and so  I grew up thinking oh yeah all  households are like that but they're not  it's an unknown and known so how do you  go about even solving for those things I  guess you have to go to therapy and  start unpacking it yeah or just unpack  it yourself you have to just think about  you don't necessarily have to go to  therapy there's so much I mean the joy  of the internet is there's so much  online that you can do if you typed in  you know I don't like sex as my parents  you know taught me there's a book called  sex marginally which is very good about  childhoods sex smart it's called sex  smart yeah you can still buy it's an old  book but it sort of delves into all of  this and yeah I mean I think I'm So Pro  therapy I think everybody should go to  therapy no one has a perfect childhood  in fact having a perfect childhood can  also set you up for things so you know  if we have a problem if you have a  problem with sex you know going to see a  really good sex therapist is could sort  it out very quickly so don't leave it  too late.

 

 

What’s the problem with the modern dating world?

 

I work out and I can't even pick  all these books  this isn't even all the books is it no  so you've got hot relationships how to  have one great sex starts at 50. the sex  doctor fix your love life fast hot sex  how how to do it we've got dare oh yeah  oh that looks very uh 50 Shades it is a  bit more Hots more hot sex would  um would like to meet yeah that was the  TV show I did about dating oh yes okay  interesting with that  there's a question there I should ask  because I'm thinking again about a  friend that's just popped to mind  is there something going on with male  and female dating in terms of it  becoming more difficult in the modern  day and age there's some stats that one  of my podcast guests shared about how  women are  um having less children and they're  finding it more difficult to date and to  find a compatible male in the modern way  that Society is designed  and I've got friends that are  you know around that sort of mid late  30s range that are really really really  struggling in the modern world it's  almost I almost men or women or both  women right I almost suspect that  um  I actually didn't have that many friends  that were in that region that aren't um  but it's almost like there's a  generation almost caught in a gap where  you're eating gen Z native to social  media the internet you know that's the  where they grew up and then maybe the  older generation already already  partnered off because you know they met  someone at church yeah yeah this  generation who were caught in the Gap  are they all high achieving women yeah  yeah exactly that's the problem so what  happens is you get and this is why there  are more and more single women now  because more and more women are high  achieving so they're not like looking  for a husband straight away and when  you've got a big gene pool of people to  you know like when you come out of uni  or even before you go into uni because  lots of people meet at Union Stay  Together you've got this big you know  like numbers game you've got loads of  women single loads of men single and you  sort of all hook up and if your  motivation is to get married and have  kids and that's your only motivation  you're going to find a partner early and  that's it you job done keep going right  assuming it all goes well but if your  motivation isn't necessarily that if you  want to go on to University you know get  your career reassorted and then turn  around and have kids like at 30 okay  right now achieved I'm at the past you  know where I want to have kids but and I  can take a bit of a break here and and  then suddenly where is he well he's not  there because he's already been taken up  everybody else and Men traditionally  don't like dating High achieving women  unless they're high achieving themselves  and the amount of high achieving women  is getting higher and the amount of high  achieving men is getting lower so you've  got even less of a pool to choose from  so the answer for the women is to think  outside the square and think right okay  do I really need the guy who's got the  degree because women High achieving  women like to go for high achieving men  statistically it's just generally what  happens isn't it if I've got a degree I  want somebody else who's got a degree so  then you have to change your wish list a  little bit and think okay I'm gonna you  know looking at I'm not going to be as  rigid with my you know must-haves and  perhaps you know think about things like  well does it really matter how much he  earns if I'm already earning lots of  money you know isn't kindness you know  generosity sense of humor attractiveness  you know just general chemistry isn't  that isn't that enough so if you go for  those qualities you end up a lot better  off and end up happier as well is that  against our innate wiring because you  know some people sometimes say that men  care less about the financial resources  of their partner  um so does that kind of go for me if I'm  a if I'm a woman and I'm looking for  a a partner am I going to look for  someone who is  kind of up and to the right  probably but that doesn't necessarily  work see for me that didn't work because  if I'm I'm like very alpha female so  whenever I went out with an alpha male  we were just like  they hated each other it's like I'm the  boss I'm the boss no if I were off now  I'm controlling you no you know no it  didn't work at all didn't work at all  very competitive I'm too competitive  they were too competitive that didn't  work so so I've got I mean my partner is  really proud of me he's not at all  um  threatened in the slightest by any  success any success I've have he's my  biggest  proudest supporter he and and we work  differently like you know if if my thing  is to you know  um if you know I make more money than  him he doesn't mind me saying that  because he's he's fine with it and so if  I've got my money that's great so  therefore you know if he's got more time  than me to do the traditional female  things then he's fine with that and then  sometimes other times I'll do it and you  know he assumes the male role so it's  very um you know we're comfortable with  each other we we you know we don't care  care that I tick the mailboxes in some  roles and he ticks the female boxes and  it works very well and and I think you  have to I think that's hopefully where  we're headed but there is there are some  times where I mean I know I know I'm not  typical with females I know that a lot  of women you know won't go out with a  man unless he makes a lot of money  particularly if they make a lot of money  they won't I've never been like that  I've never been get their money it's my  if I want money I'll make it myself  thanks I don't want to have someone  else's money that's not mine  so I do think  it's a big problem for women and men I  think we both have to especially women  have to stop being so rigid with that  you know and how expect the man to  provide I think men have to stop being  so feeling emasculated if it's the woman  who's owning more so what who cares as  soon as someone's got some money  somewhere along the line who cares which  one if you're in that age range between  say 30 and 40 and you're a woman and  you're single and you don't want to be  single I think that's important so you  don't want to be single you want to have  you know you want to meet your partner  you want to have a family whatever it  might be  what advice would you give to that  person I'm thinking now about my a  series of my close um friends that are  women that are single in that range and  that have expressed that they they don't  want to be single  um but they're struggling for all the  reasons you said super high achieving  um you know they're they've got great  careers they're very very busy because  of that as well they've you know yeah  that was the issue isn't it it's um  I mean I was talking about Helen Gurley  Brown the cosmo founder and she always  said you can have it all and that's the  biggest lie when we've been sold you  can't have it all there is something  that gives and and these high Achievers  yeah they have compromised their chances  of finding a partner by putting it all  into their career you can't have it all  and I did that I mean it took me to 50. I had lots of relationships it took me  to 50 to find somebody that was I was  compatible with it's not easy it's  really really difficult and I was out  there meeting tons of people so first  except that it's nothing to do with you  doesn't mean that you're not attractive  or anything you're probably less  marketable because you're too  intelligent and some men would be  freaked by that and you're too  successful and some men would be freaked  by that they don't know what to do with  you and it makes them feel bad because  they're going to those traditional  patterns like how she's going to go out  with me you know I'm not as successful  as her so I'm not even going to try so  you have to make the approach number one  um change your wish list to become  qualities personality qualities not you  know must be a certain height must be a  certain income must drive this car must  you know all those sort of things  because they really don't match so and  um and also date outside of type like go  out with people look beyond the exterior  see what's inside like  I think they'll be very quick to go oh I  know I can't grow with that person you  know like go on a couple of days and  even if the first date's disaster  go on two or three days go on at least  three with people you know go out all  the time often these women are so busy  it's like well when it when do you  actually go out to actually put yourself  in a situation where you can meet  someone never  they're not going to walk in your Lounge  room are they unless you sort of order  delivery and you know they're really not  so come on you've got to make some  effort here you've got to do the numbers  game and I don't know where that dating  apps are the right way forward but  they're probably the only way it's the  way that most people meet so you kind of  have to just suck it up and get on there  I think I think that's phenomenal advice  I was really really happy you said that  as well because I know certain friends  of mine could be listening um and hate  me for it no I don't think so I think  it's it's an opinion it's one that makes  um sense and I think that's all that  anyone can deliver on this podcast and  that's that's why I like it it's and it  actually matches the opinion I had from  a man previously on this podcast who  received quite a  um when a man says those kinds of things  I don't think it's received as well  necessarily because they're speaking  from a place of like they don't have the  lived experience and there's a lot of  like gender inequality things that are  you know historical things with men and  um the term one of my previous guests  used to describe it was  um tall girl problem  that you see what I mean it's not a good  it's not necessarily the most um  yeah yes you could say small man problem  yeah exactly it's the same thing you  know.

 

 

 

What is sex?

 

This is an interesting question  it's probably the question I should have  started with what is sex  well sex certainly isn't intercourse and  people need to stop thinking of sex as  intercourse sex is any type of  any type of feeling word thought that  makes you feel aroused that's how I  describe sex and what what purpose is it  solving why does it exist  to create other human beings this is why  you know our going right back to the  beginning this whole thing that we have  that you know why can't we have the sex  at the beginning all the way through  because it doesn't suit it wouldn't work  if you were so in you know loss driven  and all you wanted to do was shag like  rabbits you would never get anything  else done you certainly wouldn't have  children you certainly wouldn't have a  job so we are designed to keep the world  in a safe place we go through lust and  infatuation romance attachment for a  reason so that we calm down if we don't  have the hot sex and we keep the world  you know we bring up our children in a  sensible way and the world continues  what does that say about monogamy though  because if that's probably not natural  that's what I was going to say because  if my sex drive is deteriorating to any  degree one would suggest that's  encouraging me to go shag someone else  well it is but you don't because you  love your partner so you you it's a  trade-off it's always a trade-off you  can have the love and this contentment  and the companionship and this is why  older you know you'd asked about  um infidelity statistics older people  don't cheat very much who are in good  relationships because they're not having  that drive that that lust is gone you  know your your sex drive is lower as you  get older and it's the trade-off it's  like yeah I could go out and cheat and  have really hot sex but I'm gonna have  to look my partner in the eye and I  really love my partners so I'm gonna I'm  happy to wave goodbye to that hot sex  I've had enough of it in my life so it  depends on your motivation so if you are  driven by sex then just don't settle  down keep swapping partners and get that  out of your system and then you're not  going to be dishonest to anyone but if  you do want a relationship sometimes you  have to go okay we can have great sex  it's not going to be like the same exit  you have at the beginning but you know  what I've got two kids I've got a great  wife I've got you know it's a trade-off  in life isn't it everything's a  trade-off so you don't think monogamy is  uh natural  I think that for sex no  I think for sex no it's absolutely not  for our sex drive it's the worst things  to give some security in you know  predictability and stuff and the same  person over and over no not for our sex  drive but the problem is is that the  alternative is polyamory right so you  have this one love relationship and then  you seek sex elsewhere now in theory  that really appeals to me I can see that  that would be great right but I'm never  gonna I'm not gonna feel comfortable  waving off my husband bye darling you  have a great time you know don't worry  about what time you get back no way I'm  he's my you know his possession isn't it  it's ownership it's sexual ownership  you know I you're not going to you might  want to do it yourself but you're not  going to send your partner off and they  might want to do it themselves but  they're not going to send you off so I  don't know what the solution is I really  don't well as you said in life you can't  have it all so everything is trade-offs  yeah there's another trade-off where I'm  sure some people would love to be able  to have sex with other people but they  wouldn't be able they wouldn't want to  reciprocate that exactly to their  partner